I need You

I say whatever the outcome is, I know that I can trust and rely on God. However, what if I still am afraid and nervous and have a little doubt of how I am going to receive the news? Does that mean I don't trust Him or is that just the normal human behaviour? I never want to doubt Him.

My darkest moment of 2008 was on 13 March 2008 when I had all my hopes up and no, not that I was overconfident or anything, but I had a certain calmness within me that I had with me all the way until the teachers did not mention my name at all. It was then that my whole heart broke into pieces and I
'ran away'. I could not bare to look at the piece of paper that told me that my two years of hard work was for no use. It was beyond all I could ever expect and it was unbelievable, intolerable, heartbreaking and just plain HORRIBLE. I never felt that way before when receiving this kind of news, all these years it has been tears of joy and thankfulness, but on that day it was tears of pain and MAJOR disappointment. To me, I had failed beyond repair and till today deep within me, I still cannot except the news and it still remains a secret.

I went through one MAJOR disappointment, personally, though I know that my parents were beyond happiness that I did 'well' and they were amazing at making sure I was okay. (Daddy actually took the rest of the day off just to be at home, though I pretty much locked myself in the room and stopped the outside world from entering.)

I know as much as I feel calm and not stress, unlike my other friends, I know that deep within my heart, if I don't get what I targeted for this time around, I know it will be unbearable.

This is why I need Him, as much as I say "there is one more to go and give my all" I need Him to hold my hand, lead me, guide me, and tell me He is there to comfort me, no matter what.

-chelle-