Hardcore: This is the Truth.

There is still this super strong desire to go abroad. To know that A may have a chance next year breaks my heart as I will be overjoyed for her (success) but at the same time, pain because it isn't me saying "goodbye" at the other end. 

It is not just about being able to study what I want (though that is my biggest motivation) but it is also about a fresh start; one that I know I won't really be able to achieve if I go to Australia. 

I hate it because I know that I'm still here because He knows that I am not ready. I really want to restart everything but it is impossible as long as I'm here. I know deep inside my gut (and heart) that 'there' is where I belong, not here but there.

Somebody prayed just now "bless her at Monash". Just those four words... and tears filled my eyes and the pain resurfaced in my heart.  It is as if reality suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that yeah, I am not going to AU but to MU and studying something 'not really my first option'.




"I'm sorry to say that I have to reject the offer that Auckland University has given to me. Thank you for even considering me in the first place. Appreciate that the university gave me a chance."


I guess today is just one of those many 'down' days where the pain and reality overwhelms me.

-chelle-